why the hurry?
When anyone wants anything, they want it ASAP.
As soon as possible.
Prime delivery is 2 days, 1 day, same day if you're in a populated area and meet a certain dollar threshold.
Food deliveries, fast food, ready-made foods, just stick it in your microwave and you'll be eating in no time!
We're all in a hurry and need to save time in order to spend our time and attention elsewhere.
Time blocking, the Pomodoro method, time management hacks - we're so concerned with how much time something takes and that ain't nobody got time for that.
Trying to survive in this fast society, we are all speeding up, racing across the highways to get to our destination, the risk of a ticket be damned.
Why the hurry?
In the middle of tasks like cooking dinner or grabbing a drink from the fridge, I noticed my pace was hurried, my body tense, wanting to power through this task so I could hurry up and finish the next task so I can relax and be present with the things I really care about.
Spending time with my family, reading a book, working on my creative and spiritual practices - the time spent away from that felt like time wasted.
It is not time wasted, I tell myself now. Preparing food is a sacred act, it connects me with my childhood, how my mother made delicious Filipino cuisine, how she passed on parts of our culture through way of taste.
Even having food and ingredients to prepare anything at all is not something to take for granted. Why am I rushing through this process, wishing it was over as quickly as possible, when other people would savor and relish this opportunity?
This is an example of how my rushing is a form of entitlement. I assume that I will always have means to cook dinner, to run errands, to do chores.
I was rushing because I wanted to get somewhere - to a more financially stable place, to owning or renting a home without roommates, to the next big thing on the checklist.
Eyes on the prize, they say, if you want something, you have to keep looking ahead and strategizing your way there.
The problem is that this settles into the mind that what we have now is not enough. That this life, in its current state, is not good enough, and that marks into our subconscious that in someway, we are not meeting our potential. This breeds all sorts of troubles with our self-esteem, and creates the need to pacify this feeling of failure.
A common coping method for me was to dissociate. Go numb. Turn off my mind, my heart, and just do what needs to be done so I can enjoy life by retirement age.
Work harder, fake it till you make it, get your foot in the door and hack your way to success.
I reject this.
There has been momentum to redefine ASAP to as slow as possible.
There are no guarantees that we'll reach every milestone we set for ourselves, because no day is guaranteed.
I don't want to take the time I have for granted.
I want to be here with the present, with what's alive in the moment. Not wishing anything away, but finding a way to understand how each circumstance is teaching me what it means to be alive.
By having to do laundry, it means I have clothes and means to keep them in good condition. By lacking the desired financials, it means what I do spend my money on counts. By having roommates, I learn what community can look like in close quarters, and how I can allow myself to be seen as I am, unmasking more and more over time.
There is preciousness in everything if we allow ourselves to see it. But it's quite hard to do when everything is moving at a maddening speed. What can you see when everything is a blur?
When my time comes, I hope my heart may rest easy, knowing I made intentional effort to be grateful for the life I had before it was over.
I want to clarify that this is all an optimistic hope, that I aspire to be grateful and humble for all that comes my way. I'm human, and we all know humans aren't perfect. But reflecting on my near death experience and remembering memento mori, I am exploring how I might more passionately love this opportunity to live in this body, no matter how the journey unfolds.
Thanks for being here. ♥︎
Sincerely,
Nadine