what was forgotten can be remembered
I had too much caffeine and accidentally spiked my anxiety, lol. My Pika post today shows a bit how sitting still to write was not going well.
Caffeine has 3 options for me: stimulate focus and promote hyper-productivity, overwhelm me with cortisol and transform me into the Energizer Bunny, or deplete all energy and force me to take a nap to reset.
My body chose option #2 today: get absolutely buck wild, unpredictable, and the desire to twerk or cry or both.
I tried taking a hot bath but my little body could not calm down even with deep breathing exercises.
It was then I turned to dance - expressive dancing. I used to be in Colorguard growing up, and my body has memorized lots of moves, though I would hardly say I have as much control or grace as I once did.
Still, it was exactly what I needed. I put on Ari's latest album and started performing my little heart out to absolutely no one (well, not true, my 2 kitties watched occasionally). Practicing in Colorguard was fun, I loved the repetition and the fact that someone told me what to do. Part of me misses the being told what to do and training for a flawless performance (aka practicing to perfection). Okay, maybe it's the external validation and a praise kink clouding my nostalgia, whatever.
The point is, I am thankful for dancing today. For moving and shaking and surprising my body with what I'm still capable of doing with my limbs.
I still remember when I was septic. It took me months to recover, I was often exhausted and out of commission after taking a shower. Everything was painful, uncomfortable, and breath-taking (in a bad way).
Even though I borked up my plans and tasks for today because of caffeine and anxiety overload, I was able to pivot to an art that I used to do so much of in the past but hardly do now. I don't want to take my mobility for granted, so I should dance more.
My 30s seems to be the time where I reclaim all my old hobbies, self-expression, art, creativity, and pastimes for myself. No longer am I hiding these for "later". The time is now and I'm really grateful I get to explore these things and co-exist with them. They're teaching me so much about my current self while informing me of who I was in the past. What was forgotten can be remembered.
This is all part of my embodiment journey. In the forever process of understanding what it means to be human, and understanding what it means to be uniquely me.
I'm still a bit jittery, but feeling more anchored and sane. The endorphins from working out / movement is so good. I keep forgetting about it because I am so sedentary.
Really should start a habit of taking a short dance break every day.
Unrelated: I also thought of an idea of what my next vlog should be. It's been awhile since I posted my first one and for a hot minute, I considered abandoning it again completely.
The idea is an experiment of combining my blog and vlog. Visualize a read-along of a blog post, but with video so you can see my mannerisms, my tone and body language, and then maybe even share some context to why I wrote what I wrote.
It's a fun idea, though I'm a bit terrified to commit to it. It's a silly fear because only a few people will ever watch it (if I'm lucky). The act of recording, editing, and publishing such a video would mostly be for me. But isn't that the best person to do it for?
Please wish me well and send me some courage.
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥