today, i dissociated
It happened again this morning.
I thought I was handling my stress levels "well", but multiple mornings of unexpected news ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back.
Before I knew it, my mind dissociated from my body to escape this feeling of burning hot, acidic lava erupting from my throat. Grief has a way of coming out of you, in silenced whimpers or in wailing screams.
This black hole of sadness, tiredness, hopelessness, it takes everything in me to remind myself to inhale and exhale.
Almost decided to drop everything, to give up on all my self-care routines, my writing, my doodling, my meditation and journaling to stay numb all day. To survive the day in a paralyzed state.
Just get through this, I told myself. You'll get through this. There will be better days.
It won't always be like this. You'll recover. You'll feel strong again. It's okay to feel weak. You're hurting. And you're going to need time. We all deserve time. We all don't get time, but you do have that privilege right now. Don't throw yourself to the flames of self-pity. Take care of yourself, tend to your wounds and watch out for infections. You'll get back up when you're ready.
I now remember what writing is for. What painting and expression is for. My creative and spiritual practices are not something to dismiss when I'm having the worst of times.
They are an alchemical process where the emotions, the issues, the woes and wonders of living life can be transformed into meaningful creations.
Creations contribute to the collective -- they are proof that your pains and pleasures are identical to theirs. You are not alone in your life circumstances and experiences.
Gosh, if it weren't so poetic, I'd be drowning in my depression.
For now, I can say that I'm happy I wrote and posted today.
Publishing today as a signal of solidarity. Cheers to being alive and getting to enjoy the better and the worst of this wild, beautifully tragic world.
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥︎