the courage to ask for help
How does one learn how to ask for help?
Is this typically modeled through parental figures? Are legal guardians supposed to teach this concept? How do you recognize you're even in need of help?
Looking back at my childhood, I learned that asking for help got me into trouble.
My mom is a first-generation immigrant - a Manila, Philippines girl, moving to the promised lands of California with her family. I understood at a young age that my mom was drowning to make ends meet. And like her mom before her, asking for help was met with redirection or dismissal.
"Why can't you do it yourself?"
"You're the eldest, you need to figure it out."
Being denied countless times, it settled into my bones that asking for help was pointless.
If I wanted for something to happen, I would have to do it on my own.
I learned to raise money for my extracurricular activities by writing or editing my schoolmate's essays.
During Tumblr days, I learned how to set up affiliate links and generated money off of clicks.
Wanted to jailbreak your iPod Touch to get Doodle Jump, Temple Run, and all the popular games for one flat fee? I was your girl.
My brother began winning local video gaming tournaments. The prizes were often a case of Monster energy drinks and a Best Buy gift card. Guess who sold those unwanted cans cheaper than the school's vending machine? Yup, me.
The high school days consisted of me doing it all - taking AP and honor classes, posing as my mom to take her online college classes so she could juggle 2 jobs, and finding a way to make money so I could pursue extracurricular activities to build a well-rounded resume for college.
Still, somehow I made time to grind League of Legends, hone my webcrafting skills and host an art shop on the GaiaOnline forums. Nothing could stop me - I even found the energy to date behind my parents' back (I wasn't allowed a boyfriend until I got married).
I averaged 3 hours of sleep every school night. This led me to becoming a napaholic - I would sneak them in during classes where the teacher didn't mind because I had a good grade, snoozing at the library after school while I waited to be picked up, and so on and so forth.
No matter the personal cost, I found a way to make it happen.
Going back to the initial question - how do you learn how to ask for help when you've been raised to be so hyperindependent?
When your youth fades and the body begins showing its wear and tear, how do you slow down after constantly doing it all? By adulthood, I had no real support system, no one to turn to and offload burdens to, and still operated under the belief that asking for help was pointless.
Yet, I couldn't do it all anymore.
I needed help back then. I need help now.
We all need help in some way.
We were never meant to move through life separated, disconnected, and hyper self-reliant.
Humans are wired for connection, our ancestors survived through cooperation and community for goodness sake.
So today, I mustered up the courage to ask my husband for help.
It was uncomfortable trying to find the words, a sense of guilt washed over me for not being able to figure it out on my own.
He reassured me, as he always does, that he loves to help whenever he can. He is a heavy acts-of-service person, which I am very grateful for.
"Please know I always want to help. But I can't help you if I don't know you need it. So please, ask me for help."
May you always receive help when needed, but especially when you ask for it.
Thanks for being here. ♥︎
Sincerely,
Nadine