resisting rabbit holes is honest work
As a curious cat by nature, I find myself constantly shape-shifting into Alice herself, tumbling down digital rabbit holes in an endless online Wonderland.
Today's rabbit hole begins with me side-eyeing my bare bones Bear blog. My appetite for customizing this blog has been growing, quietly gnawing in the back of my mind.
It's almost been a month of daily blogging, which I'm incredibly proud of. But looking at my site, I do feel it could use more pizzazz — more of my personality and a way for visitors to leave their mark in a guestbook. Adding a status cafe has been on my list for awhile now, 23 days to be exact. Might as well include a contact form while we're at it.
And then... and then... and thennnn...???
I want a shiny blog but without all the work
To be honest, seeing Emily's blog makes me a little jealous. She has put into consideration several things: getting the Bear upgrade, acquiring a custom domain, setting up a guestbook, a contact form, a footer, an email capture form. Some very straight-forward, worthwhile additions.
Why is it when I try to begin this process of personalizing my blog, I almost immediately flounder like a fish out of water?
It's not that I'm unfamiliar with handling HTML, CSS, or Javascript. The task isn't unruly or even that time-consuming, really.
Whenever I attempt updating my blog, I suddenly enter analysis paralysis. If I implement a feature, what is my workflow with it? How often will I be interacting with it, will it need maintenance? How and where should I display these new tools on the site?
My brain starts going in optimization mode and I can't stand it. It's like I get a whiff of smoke and I'm already mentally packing my bags, evacuating at the first sign of fire and danger.
I don't want this conflict with updating my blog to distract me from my writing. My number one duty here is to writing posts and pressing publish. Call me irrational, but I worry that if I put too much effort into the blog's presentation, I'll lose my focus on the most important part: my writings.
Choose your battles wisely, and such as
This is my chance to practice restraint. To embrace discipline. In the past, I'd hurl myself into the deep end of anything new — a new job, a new project, a new passion, a new problem — as a dare to myself: will I sink or swim? Young and naive, I wanted to believe I could do anything, be everything, all at the same time.
I do love being older and wiser, because I understand that there are choices: battles to fight or forfeit, boundaries to set and enforce, and when to risk and when to fold.
For now, I retreat from the battlefield of upgrading my blog and return to the duty at hand. I want to practice writing, writing, and writing some more.
I'm in this stage of shouting from the rooftops, angry about how socials (and other oppressive systems) have morphed me into someone I barely recognize. I'm reacquainting myself with who I am, finding out more pieces of me every time I write.
I am meandering through the garden where I've planted seeds of what I believe are my values, thoughts, and motives. I am tending to each plot, observing what sprouts and flourishes, discovering which ideas truly take root within me and which wither in the soil of my actual life.
It's easy to declare our values without anyone fact-checking, but if our actions don't reflect them, do we truly hold these values it at all? Or is it just nice to believe that we do?
What was I made for?
For example: Do I genuinely value having a more polished, organized blog? Or am I just attached to the idea while knowing deep down that making those updates would shift my writing from an internal, authentic process to one focused on external presentation?
Is it really in me to study my pre-colonial Filipino history and document my findings for current and future generations, so the knowledge isn't lost?
Is it really in me to teach myself my mother tongue — to reclaim what connects me to my ancestors — when my parents sheltered me from it to protect me from the ridicule and harassment they once endured?
Is it really in me to study and apply herbalism into my day-to-day life? Can I harness this knowledge to help heal myself and build a resilient immune system? Do I have what it takes to one day offer consultations to families seeking complementary therapies?
Is it really in me to develop and offer personal tarot reading services as an interactive text-based storytelling game?
Is it really in me to build a website from scratch again?
Is it really in me to become a regular on online forums, to be social outside of social media?
Life is a series of show and tell... I can tell myself one thing, and yet show something completely contradictory.
But wait, lemme give myself a break
I need to zoom out as often as I zoom in. Demanding that I prove my values with the perfect consistency, day by day, is setting myself up for failure. I have to respect life's ebbs and flows. It's about showing up for what matters most right now.
And right now, typing away, hitting publish, without worrying about the bells and whistles, that's what matters most.
Organizing and polishing my blog up will always be there when I'm ready.
I must resist the temptation of endless rabbit holes and practice discernment, prioritizing whatever nurtures my current writing commitments.
It ain't much, but it's honest work.
P.S. Phew, writing this one out was difficult, kind of like holding a porcupine. Who wants to keep going when it's spiky and painful? Yet following through with it has been fruitful for my own self-exploration. Writing daily allows me to experience all these different emotions and concepts in a more tangible, digestible way. While I'm not sure what to do with this experience, I know it is changing me for the better.
...
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥