reclaiming my attention off social media
Welcome or welcome back! Today marks our sixth blog post and that means six days of showing up at the blank page, writing something boring, and then sending it out to the ether. I'm proud of me! Yay! Let's all collectively clap at this amazing feat.
Honestly though, writing and publishing is starting to feel less intimidating. I notice less self-inflicted pressure to perform and more of me allowing me to be me. And gosh does it feel like such an odd and energizing experience after holding myself back for so long.
Did I think I was going to self-combust and cease to exist if I just let myself create? I don't know, man. I just knew I was scared and that being myself was uncool, unsafe, and totally bad.
Yesterday, I dramatically declared on my Instagram that I would be refraining from major social medias until further notice. Corporate social media, Instagram especially, has kept me overstimulated and overwhelmed. How was I supposed to create and interact authentically when I was constantly trying to keep up with the latest trends and latest happenings in my field, or constantly comparing myself to the other more successful creators?
It took me a long time to admit even scrolling for a short period left me dizzy, dazed, and very numb. I spent a considerable amount of time regulating my nervous system after spending any amount of time on these platforms, but especially when I found myself doomscrolling. After an episode of doomscrolling, I felt like I resembled that of a zombie. Alive, but an empty husk of who I once was. It was not pretty.
My back felt like it was against the wall, and I knew that I had to make some changes. I didn't know exactly what I had to do, but as I described in my first blog post, I was burnt out trying to keep up with the algorithms and wanting off of the never-ending cycle of creation and consumption.
Sure, I opened up my Instagram about 3 times today to see the reaction and comments about my over-the-top semi-departure post (lol), but I behaved and promptly closed the app instead of engaging in the automatic program of liking and replying back to everyone who left a comment or sent me a DM.
Both my TikTok and Instagram DMs have that over 9+ bubble icon indicating that there are too many messages to display the official number of unread messages. Maybe if I had a better relationship with socials, that innocuous '9+' messages wouldn't be a big deal. But seeing that constant notification of you have an overflowing inbox of people who would like to hear back from you in a timely manner - but like no rush - but like don't wait too long because we'll think you hate us just made me want to toss my phone into a big body of water and never look back.
I definitely don't hate anyone who has reached out to me. In fact, a lot of them are friends, some are becoming close friends, and a lot of them are long time fellow collaborators or supporters. I want to get back to them all, but like I said previously - being overwhelmed, overstimulated, and numb just meant I couldn't get back to them, at least not with the presence and authenticity that I desired to be at. That I felt like they deserved.
I deep down believe that every interaction could be impactful, life-changing in small and big ways. To clarify: I'm not requiring myself to have that impact. It's just that replying as a means to get rid of the incessant notifications did not sit well with me. It felt like trying to plug up glaring holes in a boat I was steering with bubble gum. I needed to anchor myself to a pier, repair my vessel, and evaluate where I even wanted to go. It became clear I was just floating about, lost at sea, in very troubled waters with glaring issues to the integrity of my boat.
My heart craved a deeper presence in what I was doing, and my relationship to social media was becoming ever-shallow instead. This misalignment silently screamed at me to get back to land, to get back to myself, to rest on solid ground.
As I am staying off social media, I find myself having more space, slowness, and less chaos in my brain. Peaceful. Yes, I know it's been less than 24 hours since my official announcement but I have been slowly slinking away even before that. But the announcement drew a line in the sand, a boundary has been placed, and the creeping sensations of my attention being stolen by the cheap dopamine of flashy reels, pretty pictures, and carousel posts were no longer a threat.
So what am I dedicating my time to now that I'm reclaiming it?
Well, one is writing this blog. Secondly, I decided to accept the challenge of filling out two pages of my art sketchbook every day. I'm also exploring other people's blogs and podcasts.
An interesting podcast episode I listened to today, titled, It's not about 'what' you do, delivered some valuable wisdom I needed in this stage of reclaiming my attention.
The opening statement felt entirely resonant with how I'm approaching my work and creativity at this point:
The way we move through this world is important. Who we are is important - it's so much less about 'what' we do, and so much more about acknowledging who we already are is the medicine that we need for this world.
Asia Suler, the podcast host, is someone I found recently through my herbalism studies. This episode spoke to me sincerely, reminding me that it's not really about 'what' we do, because we change hats and roles and work all throughout our life depending on our season and direction. It's about 'how' we do them, how we show up, the process of savoring the process or accepting the pain and challenges of the task at hand.
She also mentioned a fascination of hearing about near death experiences, about how it invites a reframe to what is important to life.
I haven't talked about it here, but in 2019, I had a near death experience - I contracted sepsis at the age of 26. I'll get into details at a later time. Essentially, I did have a brush with Death, it/they asking me in a fever dream if I was ready to pass on to the afterlife.
I rejected Death's offer, saying I still wanted to experience so much more of this life.
And it's still true to this day. There are still so many experiences I want to enjoy, art I want to create, experiments that I want to conduct, memories that still have yet to form. I wasn't done living and I'm still not done living. I understand that those joyous emotions come with suffering and loss as its natural counterpart. Life is a balance, after all.
But if we can slash away the clutter, the non-essential or that which does not spark joy, why not?
This is where I turn to you, dear reader, what is your view on mortality? What are you preventing yourself from enjoying or experiencing because it's not the right time?
As we've all heard before, sometimes there is never a right time. Sometimes, the only time we get is now.
What will you do with your time today, I wonder?
To answer my own question: I came across How to Make an Audioblog and the idea of an audioblog intrigued me. I will be making time to try out recording audio to accompany a future blog post. I was totally thinking of recording an audio for this blog, but I don't want to overwhelm myself in 'doing'. No need to rush myself in my process of creation.
Feel free to reach out and let me know what you'll be making time for.
In case you're worried because I mentioned drowning in direct messages earlier... an email is slow. Undemanding. To read and reply at my own pace. I would like to experience this as a form of mindful communication. I've only ever used it for work contacts. Maybe you'll be my first?
That's all I have for this blog today, so see ya on the next one tomorrow!
Thanks for being here. ♥︎
Sincerely,
Nadine