reaching the point of breakdown
I think I'm reaching the point of breakdown. Not to sound dramatic or unhinged, but I mean this in a "reaching the point of dgaf and ultimate surrender" because I don't have the energy to maintain the same old habits of smiling through the pain and "keep on carrying on" mentality.
I've held myself together for so long that putting on a brave face in the midst of horrors and traumas felt like the only way "through it". (Sound familiar, Dad? Mom? You both taught me how to be resilient but not how to retreat, rest, and recover).
It's about time to examine my emotional body and how it feels something like a Frankenstein -- hobbling bits and pieces of different versions of me together through haphazard stapling and questionable stitching methods. I reckon I'd elicit astonished murmurs from onlookers that somehow this superglue atrocity is alive and limping around.
Okay, maybe I'm being dramatic but it's my blog and I get to do what I want!! But also, maybe I haven't been dramatic enough in treating the endured traumas as severe and serious as it demands. Perhaps I'm the epitome of "'tis but a flesh wound!" while flailing my not dismembered arm around, eager to continue battle till the death.
I shouldn't be so willing to fight to the death, me thinks. At least not yet, not until I've set my sights on a "truly worthy cause" that warrants it. Maybe that's a pipe dream as well, perhaps I've become prey to the seduction of saving oneself for a "noble cause". Insert quote about if you don't stand for something, you fall for everything type shit.
So in a measly attempt to regain some purpose, to give myself permission to retreat, what are some immediate values that stand out?
I value love without conditions, connection without twisted expectations, authentic creative expression, liberation of all peoples, healing of all wounds and unhelpful patterns (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually), cultural roots and heritage (reclaiming what colonization tried to erase, honoring the people who came before me), remembrance (keeping people and stories alive), and I realize the list can keep going on. This is reassuring.
But to honor my own need to rest, I will end the post here so I can eat some food and take care of myself.
Please take care of yourself too. If it's important to your health and you don't have enough spoons to do the full act (i.e taking a full shower), it's worth it to even half ass it (washing your face with a wet cloth counts).
Ok, that's all I have to share for now.
Thanks for being here.
I love you,
Nadine ♥