oops, i did it again: the power of starting over
Nervous as ever, I finally finished editing my 'first' vlog.
I've been here before — starting on a new venture, eager-eyed to see where I will end up — only to become mortified about how hard it is to be seen and visible. To be sensitive, vulnerable, and put on center stage to be judged and criticized.
There's this nitpickiness and self-bullying that appeared while I was editing, like about the dry patch of skin on my neck (eczema is a b****). Will people think it's a hickey? Will people get the ick and say why didn't I bother covering it up with makeup? Maybe I shouldn't upload this - I didn't realize just how visible that part of my neck looked.
Or maybe I'm being too harsh on myself and people won't actually care. Who knows?
The thing is — we can judge ourselves as hard and as long as we want. Where does that self-judgement get us, though? Stuck in the same cycle, starting and stopping again, is it self-sabotage or is it self-preservation?
I mentioned this in a previous blog post:
With that in mind, I can't fault myself for not being ready to write and share unashamedly. Maybe writer's block was actually my body's signal to say, "I'm not ready to be exposed, yet! I need more time to feel safe, to trust that I can recover if anything ~ triggering or scary ~ happens from being seen so vulnerably!"
There's nuance behind our frustrating repetitive behaviors: returning to an ex after promising ourselves we wouldn't, or lingering at a job we claim to have outgrown.
We have to grant ourselves this nuance, allowing the possibility that we had to stop and start and repeat this cycle as many times as we did in order to successfully learn and move on from it.
To honor this nuance, instead of abandoning myself and aborting my creations, I practice self-forgiveness.
That's right, silly girl Nadine, I forgive you for stopping and starting so many times. You had your reasons and I'm certain over time I'll understand why. For now, I vow to start again with a kind curiosity. I promise to view myself with an open-mind, to be a witness to observe and appreciate my existence. To applaud my courage and to have gratitude for how much I care about my art and contributing to the creative and spiritual collective.
So yes, I have declared, yet again, that I'm beginning this new vlogging adventure despite my spotty track record. But this time, I'm wielding my secret weapons called self-love and self-acceptance.
Call me Britney Spears, because oops!... I did it again.
In order to make the art that's truly important, that is truly moving and alive with passion, the kind of pieces we're proud to claim — we're going to have to make boring art. "Bad" art. Unpolished, unmarketable, incomprehensible art.
Let's flip that on it's head.
It's imperative that we make boring, dry ass art. To be confused of what purpose does this brown blob of paint serve and to scratch our head and wonder what the f*** is even going on here?
If making bad art is a required step, then it is vital and necessary to making the masterpieces we dream of. It's important in the way that having to take a shit is important. We have to get things out our systems to make room for the seeds of inspiration to take root!
With this, I plead you. Go and make your boring art. Some art wants to be boring! To be senseless! Have you ever thought that some art just wants to exist and be chill with not having to do anything but be? Don't rob that art of its dreams, it's been manifesting to be released from your brain and heart for years!
Get on with it, darling. I love you and I'm so proud of you. If sharing your art is too intimidating, start simple. Remember that no one needs to see your dirty, dirty art besides you. The catharsis is in the making and doing... but maybe you'll be tempted to share with the world someday. (My hope is that you will).
I believe in you. I believe in me. We're doing great things by creating any kinds of art. Remember visibility encourages diversity. La existencia es resistencia, the existence is resistance.
In the spirit of being seen, I'm choosing to embrace my eczema, my stops and starts, and every perfect imperfection.
Before I upload my vlog, I need to tidy up and archive old videos on my YouTube channel to align with my new branding & direction. I promise I'll share with the class when it is officially uploaded.
Let's be gloriously, unapologetically visible together. Send me an email if you're starting a new creative project you'd like support on. The more the merrier!
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥