maybe writer's block was a form of self-protection
Hi, I'm Nadine, and today marks my 14th day of daily posting to this blog. HURRAY!!!!
There are so many things I want to write about today, yet when I'm beginning to fill the blank page before me, other ideas begin ramming their way into my stream of consciousness.
I've reset this post to a blank one over 3 times now. I start expanding on a certain topic and then I end up in an entirely new one. I'm driving myself crazy trying to get whatever wants to come out to come out so I've settled to let myself type everything out without trying to edit it.
(This is why I think I would benefit from a Freewrite device from Astrohaus, but I just can't justify the crazy price tag that comes along with it.)
Now that I've been writing and publishing more consistently, I'm starting to feel like a proper writer. I WRITE and I write and as I continue writing, guess what? It turns out I have so many things to say. So many ideas, concepts, and contemplations want to be extracted from the immaterial form within me and to be birthed onto the screen in front of me.
Will I ever run out of things to say? Not likely.
I'm starting to question if I ever had writer's block. It seems more plausible I didn't write and publish due to pesky insecurities — people-pleasing, perfectionist tendencies, and the fear of being misunderstood as the top culprits.
But how common is this for all writers and creatives? Expression is such a vulnerable act, and it's a skill to be vulnerable on purpose and in public view.
Vulnerability becomes hard to access if we're already under immense stress. If our nervous system is activated and ready to fight or take flight, if we're already feeling unsafe and seeking comfort, the last thing we want is to feel exposed, vulnerable, and subject to others' scrutiny.
With that in mind, I can't fault myself for not being ready to write and share unashamedly. Maybe writer's block was actually my body's signal to say, "I'm not ready to be exposed, yet! I need more time to feel safe, to trust that I can recover if anything ~ triggering or scary ~ happens from being seen so vulnerably!"
So if the above is resonating with you, please be compassionate with yourself. During the times when I had free time and didn't create because of stress, I beat myself up. Instead of giving myself compassion and permission to rest, instead of being curious and open-minded on why I felt so tense and unable to create, I lamented at how much of a failure I was. I prefer a better way forward for you, one where you don't have to repeat my mistakes.
Looking back, I flinch at how poorly I treated myself. There is no shame in needing safety, in needing understanding, support, compassion and love. It's taken me a long time to realize that I can offer myself what I desperately sought and asked other people for. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? I chalk it up to I needed to learn the hard way, because sometimes I'm stubborn like that.
I'm grateful that I'm at a place and point where I can reflect and see how far I've come. I'm also grateful that I've found a great support system, one that is mutually giving and receiving, helping me feel more balanced whenever I trip and fall.
Who knows where this road will lead me? All I know is that I need to keep walking, step by step, post by post.
14 blog posts down, and an infinite more to come.
P.S. Welp, despite my attempts to reset and find a clear direction for this post, it still ended up being all over the place anyways!
Oh well, c'est la vie ~
Thanks for being here. ♥︎
Sincerely,
Nadine