i uploaded my first vlog & on un-brainwashing myself
I did it. I archived all my old YouTube content, updated the channel's logo and banner with my new username, and uploaded my first vlog.
Oh gosh, how thrilling and nauseating it is to put yourself out there!
I'm tempering my fear with the reminder that likely: no one will care. And that's chill, that's totally fine, I'm just trying to get my baby steps in anyways.
Rome wasn't built in a day, I tell myself.
The practice of setting up my camera, connecting my DJI mic through Bluetooth, choosing a public setting to film, and getting over people looking at me potentially weirdly for filming in public, was a whole process.
Well, despite how unexpectedly difficult it was to private all my old videos and livestreams without going down nostalgia lane, I managed to get it all done. A part of me wondered if I would just give up entirely, intimidated by how much work restarting my channel was. Maybe it would've been easier to start a fresh channel?
Those questions matter not, because I committed to reviving my channel and posting anew there. Aha, we have conquered the beast of indecision today.
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
We must take moments to celebrate our achievements, to applaud our own efforts, no matter the size of the accomplishment. New obstacles always await on the path ahead, so striking the balance of appreciating how far we've come while preparing ourselves to keep going is likely the key for sustainable success.
(I say likely, because I sure as hell am still awaiting the privilege of tasting the sweet nectars of sustainable success. Is this parenthetical grounds for a footnote? I don't know how to footnote but after reading Emily's first blog post, I think I should learn. I have so much to learn and implement on my poor Bear blog. Stay tuned.)
On unmasking my digital self
I cannot articulate how much emotional baggage and mental friction I have had to sort through to begin reclaiming my creativity and voice.
Uploading my first vlog was a great step.
Posting daily on Bear has been tremendous in figuring out what my writing voice even sounds like.
I'm definitely not quite out of the woods yet in regards to finding my forté and creative rhythms, but I'm way better off by having taken these risks rather than sitting on my ass, wishing I had the courage to put myself out there even if I looked like a fool.
Because I was previously so determined to grow a following and community, I was constantly plagued in defining who I was, explaining what I do, and what audience I serve. It wasn't until a decade later that this was grounds for losing my shit, I mean, sense of self and identity.
Emily wrote about it so well:
I know I’m not alone in the experience of self-erasure-through-curation. We all filter and curate ourselves to a degree. But the way my brain works, it seems to reach extremes. I eventually can't see out of the framework I created. It can take years for me to claw my way out. I lose sight of myself. The whole of me, at least. It's almost like cult deprogramming. But I'm my own cult leader. It's me. And trying to un-brainwash yourself from yourself is...challenging.
Yes, Emily, I feel you! The problem, for me at least, lies in trying to master the framework when I should have been mastering myself. What do I mean by that? I mean instead of contorting myself to fit into that framework, my time would've been better spent expanding the framework to fit ALL of me.
This is what I'm attempting to do now with my blogs (Bear and Pika), vlog, and eventually with my return to social media.
We didn't start brainwashing ourselves
However, I'd like to offer a differing perspective on that last statement: we aren't our own cult leaders. We didn't start brainwashing ourselves, we engaged with the platforms that initiated the brainwashing. The algorithms determined if we should be rewarded or punished, and being attracted to what the platforms had to offer (visibility, often leading to or social standing of some sort), was like making a deal with the devil. Effectively, the social medias told us to jump and we responded, "how high?".
In this instance, I find it more productive to say we were victims of a cult, which can lead us to becoming perpetrators in order to stay engaged in the cult, but it doesn't mean we are cult leaders. It means we were manipulated and some way, somehow, snapped out of it. Bided our time in planning our great escape, etc. etc.
Social media might be a necessity for many, and it still can be used for good. It takes devotion to self mastery and mindfulness to engage with it in a safe, healthy, and productive manner, though. I wouldn't say I'm capable of that in my current state, so I'll remain at a distance until that changes.
Here's to fighting the good fight in un-brainwashing ourselves and recovering from being digitally traumatized.
It sounds silly, but I think it merits being phrased that seriously. If it's taken both Emily and I years to come to a conclusion that we need to create and interact with the internet on our own terms... then how many others are still suffering, unaware of — or silently mourning — the loss of their authentic voices and truest selves?
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥