i don't have the courage to be radically honest (yet?)
Is it scarier to be truly known or never known at all?
I'm caught between these stances to take on my blog: do I open up more about sensitive, personal grievances to achieve catharsis or is that too vulnerable for my liking? Is it better to stick to safer topics that can still provide some sense of relief?
Like... how real, real do I want to get on this blog? Will the potential negative reactions/silent judgment weigh all too heavily on me that, to avoid any aftermath, I'll tactically refrain from getting too honest?
Of course, I could redirect into creating an alias, relying on anonymity instead of appearing as my "online persona". Doing so will leave no trace and thus no lasting critical reflections of me as a person anywhere!
(Save face and save the ego, ((said half-genuinely, half-sarcastically)))
In anonymity, I could find release and deploy radical honesty. But part of me wants to bring my real face to the fray, to be acknowledged as I am, not as a no-face nobody1.
You wanna talk about it?
This is where the logical part of me would say: get a therapist! They'll help you through this conundrum you're in, and legally they can't tell anyone your woes. (Excluding exceptions, like when court-ordered, lol). Generally, secrets will be in good hands there.
Well, I used to have a wonderful therapist but I can no longer afford them or health insurance. Typical American woes, especially amongst other tired, chronically ill bodies.
I am barely getting by2. Even sharing that piece feels all too vulnerable, as I used to pride myself in being a high achiever and going above and beyond, if I physically could.
I'd like to be more radically honest, but I don't have the stomach for it, even if I could hide behind my 'online persona'.
It feels defeating, to aim to write with reckless abandon, and then realize that wait: no, there are some things that feel too reckless, so let me zip myself right up and treat those topics as off-limits!
Similar to stuffing myself into a corset, sucking in my gut and holding my breath, to make myself appear more flattering.
The tough questions...
Am I just making myself seem more flattering in my writings? Having and desiring external validation to prove that I'm not, in fact, a bad person and that I do deserve sympathy and support?
Underneath it all, do I desire to gain recognition of being a writer and blogger so badly, that I view myself distortedly, presenting a false self in the online persona, which is already a bit distanced from the in-person self?
Inception among inception, among inception.
These lines of thinking feels all too much like an optical illusion or like trying too hard to pass a Rorschach inkblot test. How many layers of self-deception have I constructed? Am I a Russian doll where the smallest, most authentic piece remains hidden even from myself?
I hope that someone understands where I'm coming from.
Well, I can't be the only one, right?
I like to believe that I'm not alone, because how could I, out of 8+ billion people in this world, have this singularly unique problem?
Frankly, believing 'I'm all alone in this entire world, no one else has suffered and can relate to this specific issue I'm dealing with' is the more terrifying delusion3, which I'm no longer afflicted with, thankfully.
And yet, it is still wholly reassuring and restorative hearing another human share themselves courageously, proving that they too struggle in the same ways you do.
So maybe I want to share more transparently, more vulnerably, as an act of courage, as a signal to all those who relate: you're not alone.
While I might be too scared to do that now, I do see others on Bear doing so, other blogs are opening up more personal insights, and I can't help but feel grateful to witness them.
I cherish those who speak out, who share so tenderly, even if it is anonymously. Someone has to, and I will cheer them on silently or publicly. Either way, seeing them break through that threshold of fear feels like a win for all of us who are silently suffering.
Over time, maybe I'll find the courage too.
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥
No shame in being a no-face nobody. I just think there is some type of value of being heard where I'm somewhat identifiable. And no, I don't know what that 'value' is at the moment. My conclusion comes from previously making an alias on Tumblr, but I abandoned it, as it didn't provide the catharsis I was hoping for.↩
Barely getting by in a financial sense, but when I think about it, I am barely hanging on in other ways. Those matters require too much courage for me to share on my blog at this time.↩
I don't mean to be insensitive to those who truly feel isolated in their pain and struggles. It's just the odds are so unlikely that you are the only one with that experience, and arguing against those odds is futile to me.↩