healing my burnout one post at a time

19 Apr, 2025

Despite having multiple "good days" in a row, I forget that I am still a person with depression and anxiety, a neurodivergent human who is burnt out, and is at many times effectively ineffective at doing what is expected: to function in the modern day and life.

Text messages from friends have been met with errand paralysis. I know I must write today, but I feel a sort of apathy, a hopelessness, a heavy cloud surrounding me — rendering me immobile — subduing my sense of ambition and self-compassion.

How does it change so drastically — be it hormones, lack of quality sleep, general uneasiness and a shot nervous system?

I turn to the book, The End of Burnout by Jonathan Malesic to find some sense of solidarity and wisdom into how to address this ongoing affliction.

The book claims: "burnout culture is an ethical failure—a failure to honor workers' humanity".

Who is Prone to Burn-Out? The dedicated and the committed. Free Clinic staff offered 'our talents, our skills, we put in long hours with a bare minimum of financial compensation,..' ; 'But it is precisely because we are dedicated that we walk into a burn-out trap. We work too long and too intensely. We feel a pressure from within to work and help and we feel a pressure from the outside to give. When the staff member then feels an additional pressure from the administrator to give even more, he is under a three-pronged attack.'

~ That time I almost died but still worked anyways ~

This reminds me when I was in the ICU. What began as a standard wisdom tooth removal at age 26 led to sepsis, a life-threatening complication. One of the medical professionals said to my partner at the time, "If she had waited even an hour or two to seek medical attention, she might not have made it."

Yet there I lay in my hospital bed, before surgery and while completely IV'ed up with painkillers; I still felt obligated to get on my phone, check my work email, and continue working until I couldn't. After all, it was a weekday afternoon and being on the brink of death was no excuse. I even caught and corrected a typo for one of our product's label, preventing the company from losing thousands of $\$$ in reprinting efforts. All in a day's work, right?¹

~ The American Dream is just that, a dream? ~

After repeatedly throwing myself into the workplace, hoping that my "can-do" attitude paired with always aiming to go above and beyond, maybe, just maybe, I would gain glory and be victorious: making the "American Dream" come true. Unfortunately, I kept hitting the same end: I was playing a game that could not be won.

If I was to achieve meaningful work, it would have to be on my own terms, I concluded. I stopped 'working for other companies' and I returned to my content creator ways: live-streaming, community building, I even offered tarot readings and sound baths to hold space and support others on their personal healing journeys. It was clear that personal wellness and wholeness became my latest obsession. I wanted to empathize and sympathize with my clients, to foster a sense of camaraderie, to walk alongside them in solidarity as appropriately² as I could.

~ I tried to escape the cycle, but... ~

Even then, 2 years of freelancing and I was back to this feeling of exhaustion. I couldn't get out of bed anymore. I could barely manage to shower, but thankfully, due to my sepsis history that stemmed from my dental health, I still managed to brute force flossing and brushing religiously despite the rot calling my name.

I felt like death but I didn't want to die.

Fast forward to today: I still have so much to live for. I still want to keep living. So despite feeling this overwhelming cloud of despair, I search for meaning through my work at hand: writing.

I am writing daily on this blog. I am writing daily on my second blog. I am, as disappointing and shameful as it is, not currently producing much financially. I convince myself that the time is better spent honing my creative skills and in becoming more honest with myself.

Why did that 2 years stretch of being a spiritual / wellness content creator and practitioner lead to the same end: burnout?

How can I achieve meaningful work that provides a sustainable income, while energizing me instead of depleting my sanity?

My work in writing right now is to explore my creative voice, but also to explore and become my true self. If I'm going to stand a chance of being successful through my art while still remaining authentic, I have to admit my old ways of working are no longer viable.

I can no longer disregard my health by working harder and longer than my peers. No more 12 hour days³ for me, please. I tell myself I have the skills to go back out there, to hustle and to "make it happen" if the savings run out. Part of me accepts this reassurance, and another part of me rejects it completely.

~ The truth comes out ~

I really want to be a writer, I confess with startling honesty. I can explore writing all manner of things: books, essays, stories, short stories, poems, if other people can do it, why not me too?

I write all the time, I don't feel like myself unless I write, I have a chronicle of journals throughout the years, notebooks scattered throughout the house with evidence of my writing nature in every corner. The need to write is as natural as drawing breath... but will it demean my art if I ask it to monetarily sustain me?

Humbly, I turn to you, reader, and ask your thoughts. Have you wrestled with monetizing your passion, or somehow found harmony between creating and earning? Do you have any resources to share of others you admire, who honor their artistic spirit while rising above the costs of living?

If you happen to be in a similar position as me — hi, nice to meet you. You're not alone. We're not alone.

Whatever your journey, if you're willing to share, I'd love to hear it. In the meantime, I'll keep writing, writing, and writing away.

Write more tomorrow.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥