happy one year bearblog!
Hello friends!
This blog here, the very one you're reading, well, she's one year old!
cue flying confetti and bell ringing noises
Technically, she's a year and 5 days old, but I'm sure she doesn't know the difference.
This is my first blog post of the year. I haven't had the courage nor the urge to write publicly in the past 4 months. I've popped in and lurked around the discovery feed, toasting posts as a small contribution of my aliveness here.
I have been writing though, furiously and ferociously by hand in the privacy of my journals no eyes can see. I felt embarrassed about how much I wanted to be seen and heard by writing on these blogs, it sparked the thought of, "what would it look like to see and hear myself through writing privately?"
Because as much as I want to be vulnerable in public, to throw caution to the wind and allow my incredibly flawed humanness to be undeniable through my posts, I could only go as far publicly as I would go privately.
As I write this, I already have contrarian thoughts -- and that's the kicker. Every time I begin typing up here for bearblog or for any type of public consumption, the formatting, the sentiment, the energy shifts and skews based on the mere perception of who will be reading.
I enter a battle between trying to be myself while catering to who I think the audience may be that I lose the point I'm even trying to make. I guess that's the point of my personal blogging endeavor: how can I be myself no matter who is watching?
Building the courage and tolerance to be disliked, misunderstood, and still true to oneself is a meaningful goal to me. Call it the curse of the people-pleaser, a long-standing affliction I'm determined to cleanse.
It starts with the lowest of stakes, which is writing in my private journal with no one to impress (but arguably maybe I am writing to learn how to impress myself? The contrarian chimes in again, as if I'm always expecting someone to point a finger and say, "you're wrong and stupid and let me tell you why!". An insufferable, critical voice. I write them anyways to put the spotlight on them. Maybe publicly outing and shaming them will cause embarrassment and reformation. One can hope.
Alternatively, a softer version of the contrarian could be a philosopher, someone who contemplates other angles and approaches to concepts to find the truest version to their best working knowledge... or something. I'm not a philosopher, so don't quote me.)
Anyways, the point, as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted by myself.
the plan (if you can even call it a plan)
After enough ruminating in a private journal, a suitable next step would be to voice the ideas aloud in a space like this one. Good ol' bearblog.
And from there? Well, perhaps soft launching in passing, forgettable conversations with acquaintances at events/gatherings. If I'm confident enough, I could go straight to battle testing with friends at the kitchen table or pillow talking with my partner.
So here we are, back on bearblog, still trying to figure me out. But our one year old bearblog, she's very patient, very demure. I love and appreciate her. I hope you all love and appreciate your own little bearblogs too.
Cheers to one year, bearblog! And a happy Spring Equinox to us in the Northern Hemisphere.
I'll write here again real soon. I have been drawing and painting nearly everyday this past month and I'd like to also share those somehow.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥