depression, too, shall pass
i admit, i'm coming back to this blog with more fondness after absence. here are some ramblings that needed expressing. (tw: depression, suicide)
experience invested over time allows you wisdom, of what you want and what you don't want and how to respond accordingly. you can study and be informed of a topic or scenario but until something is personally experienced, you may never know the fuller nature of having lived it yourself. it opens doors of understanding what is intuitive and natural and what is stifled and unwieldly.
certainly, with practice, the unwieldy factor can be minimized. but how much practice must be enforced until you reach a level of comfort, proficiency, and the promised land of mastery, expertise?
this is something i fear i have not tasted in my life as of yet. at least not to the extent i crave and desire. so what stops me from committing with great diligence, what are my true ambitions and goals?
after recently sitting with a friend of mine, i was awed by her multiple projects. she did not share to keep a facade of "productivity", but with genuine passion pumping from her heart and vibrating throughout her entire being. i struggled with returning the same enthusiasm, uncertain in my own endeavors.
she reminded me what it means to be inspired. and then the day after, i spontaneously busted out in tears after reading a very heartbreaking comic about a loved one losing their battle with depression. the day after, i began my period. oh how the irregularity of my menstrual woes me so, with its chemical cocktails of doom and gloom.
just like that, i remembered -- depression and hormonal fluctuations are still very active curveballs of my life.
it's so weird to go through stretches of time where everything seems fine and dandy, and even quite fantastic, actually. like nothing ever was as bad as it seemed. but a depressive episode infiltrates its way through the back door, undetected at first until it's suddenly facing you in the mirror, undeniably front and center, and quite unnerving -- mimicking your every move, blinking precisely the same time you do, turning your head exactly the same way you do.
thanks to lived experience, i can say confidently that 'this too shall pass'. before it was blind faith and desperate hope that kept me going as a tween, but now wisdom reassures me of the truth -- this state won't last forever, because it never does in all the patterns of my life.
there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. even when it is very dim, so dim that it may as well be pitch black darkness. light is always just around the corner, and every breath feeds it its strength.
with great gratitude and luck, others are even willing to share their light to help you in this darkness. as i think of them, i get emotional -- evident through my eyes instantly watering, moved by the thought of love and the joy of love.
i still am learning and allowing myself to accept unconditional love, after admittedly keeping my walls up after being betrayed, violated, and exploited so many times before. unconditional love does exist, and because of it, i no longer resort to desperate hope but steady hope. there is a quiet hope in my heart, certain i will rise out of this depression fog eventually.
though, i pray and ask, when will my depressive periods be less disabling and detrimental to my passions, hopes, desires, and dreams? will there ever be a mastery to achieve or a certificate to display that praises my ability to be unwavering when depression rears its unrelenting head?
i'm uncertain that day will ever come, but i'm also resolved to keep living my life as fully as i can. while i may not have completely escaped depression, i have escaped suicidal ideation and contemplation. and that is a quite a tremendous battle to win.
so for those of us who keep fighting this war of misery that is depression -- you have a comrade in me. while i may not have the capacity to hold you personally and intimately or with any promise of consistency, because i begrudgingly need to offer this to myself first, i sincerely hope that these words spark some light to keep your torch lit.
love bravely and proudly and pass it on.
thanks for being here.
sincerely,
nadine ♥