breaking the pattern
The external noise was deafening.
I need real silence, stillness, and space to discern what would be the most meaningful use of my time and energy. How could I nurture my intuitive and spiritual nature when I was focused on how it should look like versus how it genuinely felt?
How could I listen when I was drenched wet with distraction - no matter how shiny and fun they were in the moment?
This was my main driving force for stepping away from social media.
Now I realize that this 'cutting off' is just the beginning of reclaiming my attention and focus.
When breaking a dysfunctional pattern, it's just as easy to transfer the same tendencies to another vice.
I could see myself falling into the same pattern of seeking constant stimulation - looking for new bloggers to follow via RSS. Reading all of their previous work, giving myself another growing to-do list of staying up to date with all the latest and greatest.
It's a vast improvement being able to step into someone's personal blog and see their multi-facetedness - that bit has been refreshingly unique and inspiring compared to the suffocating sameness of socials.
But I must not fall into the trap of 'shiny new thing' and remember why I departed from social media in the first place.
I wanted to reconnect with my own spirit, write from my own heart, and not be swayed or influenced on who might be reading it at any given time. I don't want to recreate the algorithm game or inadvertently fish for validation.
What I really want is to spill myself out on the page, type the words in a frenzy, draw the most ugly and boring art, channel the most guttural speech and let my guts be splayed before me so I can see the stuffs I was made of.
I have everything I need within me and I must spend time with acquainting myself with myself. Not just who I am currently, but who I was last year, when I was 19, when I was 12, all the way back to when I was a wee kid.
Every version of myself still exists within me and they all have something valuable to share, but I must prove that I am safe to be vulnerable with.
Some might think that just writing in a journal would suffice but there is something interlinked with publishing this journey that feels necessary.
If I'm wrong, I can always nuke and delete everything and sail away into the sunset. But I have a sneaking suspicion that won't be necessary.
Another hunch is that posting with reckless abandon is exactly what is needed of me to meet the community, people, and opportunities that will lead me to the meaningful work that I seek.
Cheers to the journey of becoming. See you for tomorrow's writing.
Fear not, I haven't missed my post streak! Currently on post number eight. I'm writing a bit later tonight because I was hosting a 1-on-1 tarot reading. If you're interested in one, email me. I'm accepting a pay-what-you-can on my Ko-fi for asynchronous recordings or 1-on-1 video calls in case you'd like a taste of my tarot-telling.
Thanks for being here. ♥︎
Sincerely,
Nadine